H A I R !!!

Give me a head with HAIR!, long beautiful HAIR!
Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen
Give me down to there, HAIR!, shoulder length or longer
Here baby, there, momma, everywhere, daddy, daddy

HAIR! , flow it, show it
Long as God can grow, my HAIR!
I want long, straight, curly, fuzzy, snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty
Oily, greasy, fleecy, shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen
Knotted, polka dotted, twisted, beaded, braided
Powered, flowered and confettied
Bangled, tangled, spangled and spahettied

HAIR!, flow it, show it
Long as God can grow
My HAIR!, flow it, show it
Long as God can grow
My HAIR, flow it, show it
Long as God can grow
My HAIR!

Damon went with me to my doctor appointment when I get a checkup to get cleared for another dose of chemotherapy. The thing is, he shaved his head the night before. Not for any solidarity with me. It's just how he does his own haircut. So in the waiting room....who do you think everyone thought had cancah? I just smiled and kissed his cheek. Very sweet.

But then my doctor's medical assistant came to get me. Let me tell you, most people don't like their own hair. This girl better not feel that way. She has THE MOST BEAUTIFUL hair. It's down to her elbows, at least as dark as mine (which is almost black) and straight and shiny. I almost cried. I told her she has wonderful hair. I think I embarrassed her. Then I explained that the wig I searched for looks just like HER hair only not quite that long. No, No, sweetie, Let that hair FLY!!!

I've been trying to understand where my fascination with hair comes from. All I can remember is that from the time I was four or five years old I LOVED combing long hair. My cousin, Janny Burgarello, (yes, Burgarello Alarm), used to babysit me. All she had to do was bring a brush, sit on the couch and I would brush her hair the rest of the time she was there. And I'm not exaggerating. A few years later my Mom hired a set of twins to babysit me. And yes they both had LONG blond hair. I used to sit and brush their hair too. Not just brush it, but let it fall through my fingers and then I'd try and braid it. Total fascination.

When I was about 7 or 8 my Mom got me one of those heads with hair on it. I think it's a Barbie head. You can put makeup on the face...and I liked that too, but the HAIR. I brushed it until the poor thing was bald. Then the NEW ones came out with the ponytail you could pull and it would get longer. O man. Hours of entertainment for me.

So, is it any wonder I ended up in beauty school in the 80s? And in beauty school you get a mannequin head with practice hair on it!!! I had a girl come to the school when I was more experienced student and she had LONG hair and wanted it cut off. This was before "Locks of Love". I couldn't understand what she said, so I asked her again. "You want it trimmed?" She said, "No, I want it cut really short". Her hair was to the middle of her back. I refused to do it. Nope. No way. They had to find another student. That's one hair cut I just could never do.

Sometimes my imagination is not my friend. I have this overwhelming fear that I'll be in a meeting and in the middle of it, all my hair PLOPS right on to the table. Bam! There you go.

I've also been trying to make deals with God. As if that's even possible. But I've found myself negotiating with Him lately. I say, "Ok, I'll do this. I know I can with Your guidance." I thank Him for his tender mercies and all the blessings that have been heaped on my family. Then at the tail end I'll casually say, "In exchange I'd REALLY like to have THICK, DARK, BLACK, VERY LONG HAIR when it grows back. ThankyouverymuchAmen"

In the meantime I'll Keep the Faith.
And like the cast of HAIR sings....
"Let the Sun Shine...Let the Sun Shine in, the Sun Shine In!!!"

80's Revisited, Funny Moments During Chemotherapy

It was great being in my teens and early twenties during the 80s. I even went to beauty school during that decade and I learned all those awful hairstyles and we used hair gel like water. So during my very long first infusion of chemotherapy I chose to listen to Pandora radio on my iPhone. The 80s Pop station.

Several people who have already faced down their own cancers have shared their success with visualization techniques. I'm a VERY visual person so going "somewhere else" in my head is not a problem. Lesley told me she pictured the drugs as PacMan eating the cancer cells. I tried that but all I heard in my head was "Wocka, Wocka, wocka , waa, waa, waaa" That got on my nerves too fast. So then I tried to picture the drugs as just plain finding their target and killing it. I shoot, my family hunts, it made sense. But when you hunt there's A LOT of time searching for the target. That seemed counter productive in my situation.

So, I turned on the Pandora radio station and the first song up was "I love Rock and Roll" by Joan Jett. oh ya. Love this song. I think I may have even lip synched a little.

Next song was "Beat It" by Michael Jackson. And that's when my visualization took hold. I'm a child of the 80s what can I say?? I totally pictured the drugs as the "Taxol Gang" and the bad guys as the "Cancer Gang" and there was a gang fight in that tumor. And the "Taxol Gang" is winning!!!! I'm truly "Beat(ing) It"!!!! haha.

Next song was "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" by Cindy Lauper. And yes, they do.

I started to doze a little during that song but was quickly awakened by the next song. "Maniac" by Michael Sembello. Does anyone remember "Flashdance"?? And the dance to this song??? Honestly, with all those drugs in my system it was really hard for me not to jump up and start running and spinning in a circle while running my hands up and down my thighs. The problem was how to get that IV pole to go in circles with me. They are very cumbersome. HEY!!! A whole new style of Pole Dancing!!

Then came "Higher Love" by Michael McDonald. I met him once when I was about 13 in a restaurant at the mall here in Reno. He had his friend tell me and two of my 13 year old friends 'who he was' We didn't know, and frankly didn't care. Who thinks a guy with a gray beard in 1978 is cool? But I do like this song. "Bring me a Higher Love" ya. Heavenly Father is with me. That's really not what the song is about but I like the idea of a Higher Love.

Followed by "Faith" by George Michael. Nothing to do with Faith in God, but I thought the song title was appropriate. Keep the Faith.

I wasn't the only person in there. It's a busy place and people come and go all day. There were three other ladies in the same room as me and they never shut up the whole day. I'm a chatty gal, but I couldn't' keep up with these three. I was a little tired so I didn't get into much discussion with them, but I did listen. It was just too good a stuff not to tell!

I mentioned on Facebook that they were discussing having their hiney's sewn shut due to Colon Cancer. They were nice enough to have this conversation IN DETAIL right as I finished lunch. This is a new experience for me because if you get two or more women together and feed them...the conversation inevitably turns to birthing stories. It's a phenomenon. I finally had to put my ear phones in and turn up the music.

A little while later a young man came in for his treatments. The 3 ladies already there are 80 yrs old, 50 years old and 63 years old. This guy was 27. I have secretly dubbed those ladies the "Cancer Cougars" And the most disturbing part is this guy flirted back. GOOD GOSH!!! I just ate!!!

So the schedule was arrival at 8:30. A little bit of orientation on what was going to happen today. The nurse put the needle into the port. Just like an IV stick. Then they flush it a little with saline to make sure the needle is in the right place. Then go back to the recliner and get the first anti-nausea drug. Zofran. It takes about 30 minutes to infuse that one. Then they flush the port again with a little saline and give the second drug. Dexamethesone. Steriod and anti-nausea agent helps with tolerating the Taxol. Next was Pepcid. Again, anti-nausea and a little dose to help tolerate the Taxol. The last pre-med is Benadryl and we all know what that does. I felt like I couldn't talk because my tongue was droopy. ha.
All these drugs and flushes took bout an hour. Then we started the Taxol. This is the actual chemotherapy drug and took 90 minutes to infuse. And last was Herceptin. I am Her2/Neu+ which means this tumor loves estrogen. Herceptin blocks the estrogen receptors so it will stop it from growing.

I tolerated all the drugs very well and was given a gold star for doing so. Not really, but the nurse thought I did great. I was there almost 7 hours and the next sessions should be considerably shorter. When you first start they have to push the drugs slowly at first to make sure you don't react to them. Since I didn't react they kept upping the drip speed.

I was a little nervous that I'd be bored but with an iPhone that is kind of impossible. I watched an episode of NCIS on TV.com and listened to the 80s music. Played an iJewels game, texted people and even answered a couple of emails. I was so restless from sitting all day that when I got home I had Damon walk with me to Crissie Caughlin park and back. It's just over a mile and it felt really good to get some fresh cool air. aaahhh.

My friend Mary sent the most hilarious text. She wrote, "If I were a true friend I'd shave my head for you....how about just a Brazilian wax?" I laughed so hard. I wrote her back and said that would be fine since I'd lose ALL my hair anyway.
Don't know what a "Brazilian" is? It's body waxing with no hair from the waist down.
Ouch is right.

Well, First session is done...11 to go.

Merry Christmas
And to all a good night.
Keep the Faith-a, Faith-a, Faith!!

Love these products

I have a friend who recently created a new business for herself. And I love it.

Willow Whispers Organic Spa Products
www.willowwhispersosp.com

I am allergic to the adhesive used on the bandaids, tape and the monitor patches. After the surgery there were 3 very large adhesive rashes left from the monitor patches. They itch and are very sore. I remembered that I had Body Butter from Willow Whispers and I rubbed some on the spots. Very soothing and within a few minutes the remaining glue rolled right off my skin. I'm left with a few faint red spots but they are super soft from the Body Butter!

She also makes bath salts, scrubs and lip balm. And her heel ointment is phenomenal.

Check it out!

Hey, will that power port charge my ipod?

Yesterday was fun. A pretty short day for me since I was out of it for most of it.

I have to say I never did feel nervous. Clearly a result of the many prayers said on my behalf. I kept waiting for that stomach roll I get when I do get nervous and it never showed. Very nice.

It took a little over an hour to prep me for the surgery. Lots of questions, hook up the IV, more questions, review those questions and then answer them again. Had a very nice nurse and I can't remember her name. I should have asked Damon to remember it for me.

The surgeon came in and quickly told me what he was going to do. The anesthesiologist came in and asked me the same questions as the nurse. He gave me a dose of something (can't remember the name) and told me in a minute I wasn't going to care about anything. He was right. I even waved at a few people in their own pre-op rooms as they wheeled me to the operating room. What can I say, I'm a friendly gal.

Got into the surgery suite and slid over onto the surgery table. Layed back while they adjusted my arm and head onto the egg crate pillows. The anesthesiologist asked me to hold the oxygen mask over my mouth and nose and my first thought was, "Isn't that YOUR job?" I giggled at the thought. The next thing I knew I was waking up from the procedure.

Now, let me preface the next part by telling you that I truly love my husband. He's one of those very even tempered people who rarely gets ruffled by things. I, on the other hand, get ruffled very easily. So when I woke up groggy and sobbing and asking for my husband I can look back and get a good laugh out of it. I sat up right away and was crying and demanding they bring my husband to me. I think the nurse had a hard time not laughing. I asked over and over where is he? Go get him! I want my husband! They had to keep me a little longer due to the lingering effects. haha.

When it was finally time to go to the post-op room, my recovery nurse said I was her most restless patient. No kidding. I kind of laughed at that because Lesley Morgan who does my eyelashes says I'm one of her wiggliest clients. As another nurse wheeled me out of recovery my nurse told her, "You better get her husband right away, she's been demanding him"

Now let me just say, that I realize I'm very sensitive to noise. I hear most noises that don't bother other people. A dripping faucet will make me nuts. Someone tapping a pencil, snapping gum, sniffing instead of BLOWING THEIR NOSE, a pocket change jingler...all will irritate me. And don't even mention a whistler. OMG! Kill me now. I've been know to walk clear to the other side of a grocery store to escape a whistler. So when another patient is next to me and SNORING and I'm still under lingering effects of an anesthesia....ya. well, it wasn't pretty. I'm not sure but I may have cussed.

I heard the nurse for the lady next to my cubicle call her by name and I realized it was the lovely woman who taught Christopher's Sunday School class when he was 4. I told my nurse that I knew her and she skeptically asked how old was the "Alice" that I knew. I said, "I would say probably in her 80s" Yep, I was right. They pulled the curtain back just a little and we visited for quite a while. She has had several strokes and I don't think she really remembered me, but I remember her and how kind she is. Turns out her husband and mine were visiting in the waiting room.

I've tried to be only positive in my postings but there are a lot of negative things happening too. I'm just choosing not to focus on them. I spent half the day yesterday telling what drug I'm allergic to. It's on my chart, it was written in bold letters on my wrist band, I told them over and over. Yet the prescription I got for an antibiotic after surgery was the exact thing I'm allergic to. When I said something I was told I should have mentioned it. WHA?????? Are you kidding me?????

Today I feel like I pitched one too many baseballs. The muscles in my shoulder and chest are very sore. The Power Port is implanted about mid chest on the right side. It's the size of a quarter and completely under the skin. It's anchored to the chest wall so it doesn't slide around. The infusion team will numb it with some gel then insert the needle to give me the chemotherapy. My left side hurts like heck from the tumor, and my right side hurts from the port. There is no hugging this girl today.

Today I get to rest a little. Spend some time with my kids. Enjoy the Christmas tree and lights. Visit with friends on the phone, through email and Facebook. Watch the "baby" play in the snow. He gets to attend a friend's Christmas party this afternoon. And just plain relax a little before the heavy duty stuff begins.

We wish you a Merry Christmas.
Keep the Faith.

No Small Blessings

Tomorrow I go in for the implantable port to be surgically placed on the right side of my chest. It will be under the skin and used for chemotherapy infusion.

I spent a few hours today at the hospital getting pre-admitted. I'm one of those people who hates taking tylenol for a headache so I'm really not looking forward to this. Like anyone WOULD look forward to it.

Ended up waiting almost 45 minutes while the admitting nurse tracked down a few of my orders and requests from doctors. During that time I reviewed the plethora of blessings that have been heaped upon my family.

I am a religious person. I completely recognize Heavenly Father's hand in all of this. I spend a lot of time praying and listening for answers. Yesterday in church I listened to each Christmas song that was sung and to both talks that were given by members of our congregation. It was a wonderful meeting. Roseann Almond was the first speaker and she refered a lot to Luke Chapter 2. I love this chapter. She mentioned the questions that come from reading it as well as what we learn. She pointed out that "We learn the importance of cousins" I loved this. I have wonderful cousins and so do my children. This is something I reviewed while waiting for the admitting nurse.

The family sitting in front of me were guests of a family in our church. I've met them a couple of times at different church functions and they are a very nice couple. He also happens to be Dr. Miercort a radiology doctor. He was incredibly kind and answered so many of my questions. I will most likely be seeing him this summer for radiation therapy after surgery.

There are no small blessings.

Of all the seasons to be diagnosed with breast cancer, this truly is the best one of all.

Keep the Faith

The Devil is in the Details

My friend Mary Challis asked me today how I was doing. I told her "all right" She said, "Kind of melancholy?" I thought that was a great way to say how I'm really feeling.

Each day there are so many phone calls and details to take care of and you talk with people who do this on a daily basis. So they know what they are saying, yet it's new to me and I don't always follow what they are talking about. I usually end up with more questions than I started with. Or I realize I haven't asked the right question in the first place and I have to start back at square one. I can sometimes hear the impatience in the voices of those I talk to. What can I say? I'm new to all of this.

Honestly, this is an education I could have gone without for the rest of my life. Is that a selfish?

I've seen more doctors in the last two weeks than I have in my entire life. Family doctor, cardiologist, oncologist, surgeon--ologist. And that's just the beginning.

I spent a good half hour on the phone with the nurses at the oncologist's office because I still don't know what to expect. I had a page long list of questions and I have to say, she was wonderfully patient and answered as many as she could. A few had to be passed on to the doctor.

We did put together an accordion file with all the papers and information I've received so far. So, at least if I need to find a paper I will know exactly where to go to get it.

Thank you for prayers and phone calls and emails. I love getting each one of them.

Keep the Faith!

When Your Carpets Look Like Hell

In the middle of tons of phone calls yesterday morning. (There are SO many doctor appointments and forms to fill out!) I got a phone call from the Carpet Cleaner in my BNI chapter (www.bninevada.com)
He wanted to know if he could come and clean the downstairs carpet for me. It is rather dirty and he wanted to disinfect and sanitize it so the environment would be healthier as I go through treatment. The only hitch was I had an hour to get it ready. I told him to come on ahead and if nothing else I'd clean along in front of him one section at a time!
Then I thought, well, I have all these wonderful friends who have offered their help if I need it...and I needed it. I called my friend Bev Posey and she came to my rescue.

So, if you need your carpets cleaned be sure to call Tyler Boice at Heaven's Best Carpet Cleaners. 775-229-6552
As he sometimes like to say, "If your Carpets Look Like Hell,....Call Heaven's Best!"

Wise Men Still Seek Him

This morning when I couldn't sleep, I was sitting on the couch checking emails and Facebook. All the lights were off in the house except for our Christmas Tree. I sat back and in that quiet moment I was soaking in the lights and decorations on the tree. This ornament seemed to glow and the first thought I had, "Wise Men Still Seek Him"

I had that calm, good feeling come over me that let's you know everything is going to be ok.

Merry Christmas

Wigs and Hats

Like the photo? It's of my first wig and hat. The American Cancer Society provides a wig. I got the hat at Burlington Coat Factory. ACS has also provided a certificate for a wig from a local salon through a grant from the Susan G. Komen Foundation.

I'm amazed at the services and products available to cancer patients. From housecleaning and rides to appointments to discounted and complimentary wigs, hats and other prostheses. And that's really just the beginning. There's a class once a month at Renown called "Look Good, Feel Better" where patients learn skin care and cosmetics as you go through chemo. We will learn how to tie scarves, draw on eyebrows (you don't want to look surprised all the time!) and some skills on looking like you have eyelashes in case you lose them. Then there are several other support groups for just about every kind of cancer.

Again, in the midst of facing some serious things, blessings abound.

Let the Miracles Begin!

Today my husband and I met with the Cancer Counselor for Access to Healthcare.
Let me explain what Access to Healthcare is. It's a wonderful organization that provides discounted health care services with local providers. Right now it's only available in Nevada. But it should be a Nationwide program. Truly.

For our whole family for complete coverage (it's NOT insurance) it is $90 a month. That covers medical, dental and vision.

If you do not have insurance I would encourage you to check it out if you live in Nevada. www.accesstohealthcare.org

As an example, the normal cost for chemotherapy is $3,000 a week. With ATH it is $500. It's amazing what is available out there. In my opinion this is a better option than insurance. There are income requirements as well as proof of Nevada residency. However, for people in a similar situation that my family is in....I highly recommend you check out the website or call their office.

We met with Nancy today. She was so helpful and very informative regarding what to expect cost wise. I no longer feel like this will bankrupt us.

I've prayed that there would be a way to not go into debt over this treatment and surgery, etc. Access to Healthcare is the answer to that prayer.

Wig shopping tomorrow!!!

So It Begins

Today we met with the Oncologist, Dr. Bowman.
We spent at least 90 minutes with him as he explained what is happening with the tumor, what other health issues there are, why he is suggesting the certain treatment, etc.

The tumor is approximately 10cm. (think tennis ball sized) and loves hormones. So the first step is to shrink it with chemotherapy. That will begin the week of Christmas (so far) and will be a weekly dose for a consecutive 12 weeks. At the end of that time we will begin another regimen of a different chemo drug for every 3 weeks for four treatments (approximately another 12 weeks). At that point we will do surgery to remove the tumor and affected lymph nodes. The reasoning behind doing the chemo first is to shrink the tumor to allow the surgeon to get enough margin tissue to allow for comfortable reconstruction. Otherwise too much tissue could involved.

After surgery we will consider radiation then hormone therapy.

Dr. Bowman was very detailed in reviewing all the side effects and challenges we will be facing in the next few weeks and month.

Next week I will have a port put into the right side of my chest under the skin for administering the chemotherapy. This keeps the possibility of infection much lower since it's under the skin and not exposed. Considering that on Sunday I had a return of the MRSA (staph) boils this seems like the right thing to do. I discovered a staph boil on my left elbow. MY ELBOW. Who gets a staph boil on their ELBOW!!!??? come on.

I left there with two pages of notes and a prescription for a "cranial prosthesis"
.... a wig. Isn't that hilarious? For a girlie girl who spent a lot of her childhood wishing she had very long hair and long fingernails and long eyelashes...now, at least for the next year, I'll just have to wear a very long wig.

Thank you so much for all of you who have kept us in your prayers and added me to temple prayer rolls, and church prayer trees. Thank you for your phone calls and letters and emails. Each one means so much.

So...it begins

Ups and Downs

Had great news on Wednesday and a total breakdown on Thursday. Funny how that works.
I think you wait so long to find out which direction to go that when you find out it's a huge relief. At least it was for me. It's still going to suck for a while.

My sweet friend Lesley Morgan, who also does my eyelash extensions, (Yes, I get them and she made me look like Bambi this last week!) is, as she said, "Victorious over cancer" from 20 years ago. I am so thankful for her knowledge and for sharing her experience with me. I walked out of her lash room with a renewed strength. It is much appreciated.

I am so grateful for all the uplifting and positive messages that have been posted here as well as on Facebook. Your encouragement has really helped. It reminded me of a scripture in the Book of Mormon. Mosiah 18:9 "...willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort..."

This coming Tuesday, Dec 7 we will meet with the Oncologist to discuss what comes next.

Happy Dance!

Good News has arrived!!
Doctor called early this morning to let me know the cancer has NOT metastasized. (happy dance) This is truly amazing considering I've had the lump at least a year. The bone scan and CAT scan came back clear. He did tell me that I have some arthritis in a few joints. Ummmm, I'll take that trade.

My sweet friend Lynette Guarino sent me a Power Point slide show that had a wonderful message. The last slide read (speaking of God) "He wants to show you things that only you can understand, by living what you are living and by being in the place you are now."

I'm perfectly happy to keep learning about and living His miracles.

Good Things to Come

Almost 6 years ago I was having trouble catching my breath. We had gone to Lowes to buy a gas grill and I could barely walk the width of the store. Several hours later we went to the ER to find out what was going on. The triage nurse, looking bored by the way, sat me down and asked the standard questions while hooking me up to the blood pressure machine. I saw the results before he did and told my husband, "Watch his reaction when he sees that" It was 190/112 and I've never seen someone move so fast after looking SO bored.

The next thing I knew I was changed out of my street clothes into a hospital gown and they started hooking up all these monitors. All I could hear was the insistant beeping of these machines. My thought was, "OMYGOSH, I'm having a heart attack and they don't want to tell me" Shortly after that thought the nurse said, "That isn't you beeping, the machines aren't hooked up yet." Ya, I laughed.

The short-ish version is that we discovered some serious problems. My heart was enlarged, I was anemic, I had 50% regurgitation in the mitral valve in my heart, I had pericarditis (inflamation in the lining of the heart) and my pulmonary blood pressure was 70 (normal is 30). I was put on 7 different medications and sent home with the knowledge that in about a month I was going to have mitral valve replacement surgery. So for the next three weeks I was knocked out from the intensity of the medications pretty much just waiting for the surgery.

At the end of that three weeks we also discovered that I was pregnant. At 39 years old I was pregnant!! I have to admit my first reaction to the prenancy test was to smile. We already had 3 beautiful, funny, wonderful kids and as shocking as it was to discover after EIGHT years we were going to add another one, I really did smile.

So I started making the necessary phones calls to my doctors. First my OB. He kinda lost it. Said it was going to kill me with all my heart problems and I would have to terminate. I said, "It's not going to kill me today and termination is not an option" He met with my cardiologist and together decided I could probably get through this just fine.

The only hitch was getting through the heart surgery without losing the baby. I didn't know how that would happen. I went back to the cardiologist to have a follow up echocardiogram done to determine a surgery date and figure things out. It seemed to take forever for him to come back in the exam room. When he did come in he sat down and said, "I had to really watch your tapes and compare them to the ones from the hospital. I had to do that to know it was really your heart I was looking at and it was because of certain markers....because your heart is fine. It's back to its normal size, the regurgitation in the mitral valve is minimal but what REALLY stumps me is that your pulmonary blood pressure is normal. That never happens. I'm very stumped by this." Then he turned to me and said, "Are you a religious person??" I said, "Kinda" He said, "No really, are you? Because that's my only explanation for this." I said, "Yes, I'm LDS (Mormon)" He said, "I knew it!!"

With that the surgery was canceled and for the next 8 months I was in and out of the OB's office and the cardiologist office on a regular basis to make sure things were ok.

On December 31st 2005 Ethan Damon Cooke was delivered by c-section and was promptly placed in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit and was there about a week. He was delivered a month early and his lungs weren't quite ready. He was 5lbs 8ounces and looked identical to his oldest brother, Taylor. He only had to be on a ventilator for about 12 hours and when I finally got to see him that night he looked so sweet. His delivery was a lot scarier than I have written here, but the end result has been this wonderful little boy and that's all that matters.

He'll be 5 this month. And he's the one who drew the smiley face on the car. That's his nature.

After that scare, and now to face breast cancer, I know the miracles of God first hand in my life. I know what He is capable of and on that note I would like to add the following quote. It's from Jeffrey R Holland a leader from my church. He's one of my favorites and his talks are truly inspiring. This excerpt comes from his talk titled, "An High Priest of Good Things to Come" from our church's General Conference in October of 1999.

"It is not without a recognition of life's tempests but fully and directly because of them that I testify of God's love and the Savior's power to calm the storm. Always remember in that biblical story that He was out there on the water also, that He faced the worst of it right along with the newest and youngest and most fearful. Only one who has fought against those ominous waves is justified in telling us-as well as the sea--to "be still" Only one who has taken the full brunt of such adversity could ever be justified in telling us in such times to "be of good cheer" Such counsel is not a jaunty pep talk about the power of positive thinking, though positive thinking is much needed in the world. No, Christ knows better than all others that the trials of life can be very deep and we are not shallow people if we struggle with them. But even as the Lord avoids sugary rhetoric, He rebukes faithlessness and He deplores pessimism. He expects us to believe!"

Keep the Faith.
Lisa